12.Three6five

Intro
Perched atop the Burj Khalifa, feeling wobbly, in a state of vertigo.
I’m acrophobic and do not know how I got here.
Just over an hour to go and I move into a hot air balloon. Up, up, away.
At first it was a rush then the rains came accompanied by thunder.
It’s an hour to midnight and I’m going to die unless Jesus calms the storm.
I close my eyes and count to 10. 1…2…3. Poof.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, no I’m superman!
Flying into the skies, resting on cloud 9.
It’s the last hour of the year and when the bell tolls a new year is going to be upon us.
It’s the last hour of the year and I’m as high as a kite rising above the Eiffel Tower.
Everyone else is making resolutions and what nots.
I’ve got the booze in my hand, the blunt in my mouth.
Taking a lesson in osmosis and diffusion.
I’m high on both.
Flying to heaven and lying in hell while sleeping in the backseat of a Toyota parked outside the church.

 

New day
Everything in life is subject to change.
Change is inevitable, change must happen.
Seasons change, people grow, time waits for none, the earth is constantly moving.
But what happens when we can’t keep up?
When we are too far behind and don’t know where we are headed?
What happens when you become a constant in the variable?
It’s the start of a new year.
A time for resolutions and new behaviors.
A time to let go of past failures and embrace future success.
A time of hope. A time of new ideas. A fresh start.
But to me it’s just an illusion.
A feeling which does not last.
In reality a time of melancholy.
The new year puts me in a pensive mood.
It signifies time spent, progress not made and a time for sober reflections.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much thankful for my life and all the added bonuses that accompany being me.
We are alive not because we’re better off but because our work here is incomplete.
So when the time comes when I’ve got to go, I hope I was worth it.
I hope I lived a full life and realized my true potential.
I hope it wasn’t time wasted. I hope I was happy.
That is my daily prayer.
And January is when I awake from hibernation.
When I look within rather than around.
When I feel I’m nowhere near where I ought to be.
Maybe January is the time I die.
A time where my life flashes before my eyes.
A time I vow to change for the better then go back to sleep in the comfort zone 2hours later.
A time of hope.
A time of hope?

 

Truly April
I cannot decide on what to do.
It’s been long since we last saw each other.
It’s been 4months and 9days.
I’ve moved on. Some.
But sometimes the regret hits me like a fist of Ali in his prime.
I’ve recovered. Some.
But now I’ve arrived in the realm of nostalgia. Ultra.
Memories buffeting like a blizzard so I take novocaine to numb the pain.
But still shiver at the thought of reconnection
While my phone quivers from a notification notifying me of a contact once deleted.
‘Father help me for I know not what to do.’
I know feelings have been extinguished
But I know feelings are highly flammable.
I know she awaits my call
But I know she doesn’t think of me.
I know I should call
But I know my voice will betray
I know sending a birthday text is a poor excuse for trying to reach out.
I know I’m ready.
I know I’m not but hit ‘send’ all the same.
22minutes of hell and my phone awakens.
The heavy words stand out in clear contrast against the light background.
“Who’s this?”

 

Synopsis of fraud
Leading the parade, going with the wind.
Celebrating our independence from independence to dependence.
I cannot live without you, she neither
You need me to exist, him too.
Collectivism the root of all evil.
Parasites leeching of each other.
A pack of wolves minus the alpha.
A beta life consisting of no alphas, but gammas.
So far it’s positive.
The selfless sacrificial lambs, victims of Shang Tsung.
Make believe Christians.
Denying self, carrying the cross of others……
UNSTRUCTURED. VAGUE. GROTESQUE. PITCH BLACK. NOTHING.
The beginning….
Darkness bowed to light, light-years ago.
And there was light.
God created the world and everything in it.
Eternal governors.
Put man in control of all that is.
Then he came as a snake in the grass, fallen from grace to grass.
On the sly, creating a slithery path to be followed.
She followed and convinced him to do same.
The first followers.
Our parents.
Actors keep changing but the script remains untouched.
Our deepest fear is that we are scared of reaching out for that
Which has been locked in the furthest parts of our souls.
Your deepest fear isn’t that you are inadequate. Your deepest fear is truth.
What you choose without the slightest care of what they might think of you.
Our deepest fear is creation.
Your deepest fear is reason.
My deepest fear is ego.

 

Twitter skit(interlude)
Tweet as a bird, no retweets
Twitter game weak as a tweet, 0 followers.
I twitch at the twit of your tweets.
Twittering and giggling, googling for things to tweet.
Sharing inside stories, tweezing personal feelings with tweezers for the sake of twitter.
I twitter and tweet, music from a tweeter, addicted to twitter.

 

Gone
How long between birth and death?
Between love and hate?
How long between commitments and the break ups?
I’m not good at byes, you might see me cry.
We’ve grown attached like twins. Siamese.
Emotions all over the place. Universal? Continental? National?
Hormones of a junkie in need of a sniff. Cocaine.
The length of time we have left is too short for me to do everything right.
Our perimeter is shrinking by the minute.
The center cannot hold. Things might fall apart.
Insecurities crippling my thoughts.
My brain is paralyzed with fear.
Fear of getting erased from your memory.
Insert here the new guy: _________
Now my mind has been diagnosed with cancer.
I shave my head bald and smoke on them medicals and try to think straight in a supine position.
Treatment getting intense.
Your replies getting a bit delayed.
I might be trying too hard so I lift my foot off the pedal.
Hoping to not get overtaken.
I think we need space. This is all so lonesome.
I find myself constantly staring into space.
Longer days, longer nights. September. My personal equinox.
Let me be your knight in shiny armor. With the movements of a knight trying to spell out his feelings.
But I’m only allowed to move in L’s.
Love or lust regardless what’s the difference?
I can’t stand myself, this is getting lame so I clip my legs and trip hoping to fall in love. Love is lost.
Cancer has spread through the whole body.
I do not have long left.
Pick up the phone don’t leave me alone in this cruel, cruel world.

 

Chapter 12(outro)
In all things give thanks to God.
At all times praise His name.
For it is by His grace that I am here writing this and you are there reading it.
Dear reader, I can’t quite describe the feeling that fills me when I think of God.
Words can’t describe it because words won’t do it justice.
I cannot say I’m a changed man, but I’ve fully acknowledged Jesus as my main man.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and God gives to those who ask.
Troubles will come but in him I’m not troubled.
2015 had it’s moments of ups and downs.
2015 has been a year of growth in all aspects of my life.
I thank God for everyone in my life.
I thank all the people in my life.
To the old. I thank you for still being there.
To the new. I thank you for accepting me.
I pray that God continues to be the light that shines and the shepherd that leads us towards the kingdom.
Help us to be who you meant for us to be and may your word never leave us.
Continue to inspire us each day of our lives with your works. Amen.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR.

Ecclesiastes (Your Journey)

“Don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your creator. Honor Him in your youth before you grow old and say, “Life is not pleasant anymore”(Ecc. 12:1).

How much is your life worth? Is it worth living or is it worth dying for?
All around you everything seems normal. You wake up seeing but not feeling, with the only thing you’re remotely thankful for being your existence. A life of mistakes, regrets and a fading hope. Surely once your candle of hope is snuffed out then what’s the use to living. Like Midas everything you touch changes. Unlike Midas it doesn’t turn to gold. What else is there to do but go through the routines of this numb state. Birds chirping, trees growing, cars honking each other. All around you everything seems normal till you touch something.
Evil Midas!
Your apathy towards the world seems higher than the proposed tower of Babel, you are stuck in the game of life and have already used two lifelines. You phoned your friend, he couldn’t help, time ran out. The audience(world) all gave conflicting answers which confused you the more. What’s your next option? You know your next move but what’s stopping you from using it? You don’t think you have the verve to last the whole race. What if you stumble? Better yet what if you fall but then again what if you fl… Ok so you say you can’t fly. Will He accept you back? You think He’ll get tired of welcoming you back. Scared of fear. You coward!
How similar are you to the seeds that fell among the thorns. The world controls you, trapped in vanity. Institutionalized by money, fame, power, women and drugs. Everyday is a party, each night at the club. You claim to be Christian and truly believe what you say.
You think church is enough but you wasn’t even listening to the sermon. Your mind is wondering, your mind is fishing, your eyes be scanning for fresh meat. How can you fish for meat at church? Your ignorance isn’t bliss, your ignorance is grief. In your mind you are the king, in reality a slave. Mind games I guess. Sin is your guide, the devil your usher. Burn! Hell, that’s the path you’re headed. You think the sun scorches? Just wait.
But now everything seems to be crumbling down and it’s all becoming too much for you, depression knocks on your door, the load she brings is too much for your shoulders. Your blissful ignorance has turned into gloomy reality. Self realization is upon you and you are 6ft under: emotionally.
What’s your life really worth? Is it worth living or is it worth dying for? Life to you has become meaningless so you shun the world and wallow in sorrow. In exiling yourself from all, you see a glimpse of Him approaching your home but that same fear keeps you from inviting Him in. What’s your greatest fear?

“That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty” (Ecc. 12:13).

Love Left Undefined

Much has been made and said about the word love. Right from the beginning the world was set in love. Sin tried to come between this eternal bond between man and his creator. Jesus’ mission on earth was made complete by the crucifixion and ascension to heaven.
Surely this isn’t a new topic for us to discuss but then again the attributes and characteristics of this four letter word is rather too much for our brains to ponder on. What is love then? Personally, I don’t believe there’s just a sentence to define love. It is an emotion that cripples and overwhelms the recipient.
I am writing this not attempting to explain anything or unravel any hidden mysteries on the word. Rather this piece is written to just babble over something as amazingly beautiful. Love is a feeling when felt, lights up the darkest of tunnel. Love is light and light is God, for he sent his only begotten son to come and die for sinners and devourers of his holy name. Love is when Abraham, provided with a miracle of a child still listened to and obeyed his Maker when asked to kill this very son.
1Chorinthians 13 doesn’t in my opinion do justice to the word as the simple term ‘agape love’. Imaging ticking all the points made about love in that passage. OH WHAT A FEELING!!! And God our father ticks all these and a trillion times more than we could fathom. Love can’t do wrong; it is a force of nature that is in to stay. And we are encouraged to love thy neighbor as thine selves. What I find interesting is that the bible’s report didn’t say like but instead love. So now let’s make reference to the incomplete list made in Corinthians and see if we project such feelings to our selves. Do we love ourselves or has saying this sacred word already become a cliché. If we don’t agree that we love ourselves that much how could we replicate this(whatever this enigmatic feeling entails) towards others. Have we truly felt love, then why would we not want to share this happiness *another understatement* with our fellows? Let’s fix our selves before we could move to our neighbors. I trust that God open our minds to make us ask for the greater gifts(faith, hope)and the greatest of them all – imagine that – love.

Dreams, Visions, Aspirations

I woke up this morning forgetting what I dreamt of last night. But this is not a story about my night fantasies.
We all have our dreams, not our songs to sing unfortunately. Ever question what brought about your dream? Could it be based on fear since most our ambitions are anti failure related. But then again who wants to be a failure? How do we determine failure of others if we all are different in what we bring to the table of life? I guess only God could judge us huh? Ah…well I think u got me, who am I fooling here. We become numb to our thoughts of dreams…are we sure we could achieve what we dream to be or are we just dreaming cos everybody should dream? We wake up, put on our clothes and get on living our lives.

Do we chase our visions with each passing day or we just go along with the status quo. Dreamt of being a marine engineer when I was a kid cos that was my dad’s profession and I looked up to him. Fast forward 15 years and my aspirations have completely shifted to being peaceful in life. Don’t judge me in those courtroom brains of yours where you sit high and mighty in your judgement seats with no jury to rule but yourselves. I guess growing up and seeing things influenced my change of dream. So after your hopes become reality wats next for you? How do we juggle success and all the baggage that comes with it? Or are we not even thinking that far? Feeling like jigga right now…this is some visionary ish. Asked mom what her dreams were as a kid and she said she couldn’t really remember them. Hmm..strange…so what changed? Ain’t that why we came here?….if not why do we bother.

Dreams are often juxtaposed to wishful thinking which are usually just as attainable as meeting a mirage..but some do achieve their dreams. Jesus Christ came to the world with a dream that through him we may be closer to the Father than never before. God created the world with a dream that man and God may live in close relationship..then man ate from the forbidden fruit and got loose, thus the son of man’s incarnate form on earth to rewrite man’s wrongs. At the end of it all Jesus achieved his hope. What message am I putting across to us? I dunno…well you be the judge of that. May the best of our today’s be the worst of our tomorrow’s. Let’s think that far.