Perched atop the Burj Khalifa, feeling wobbly, in a state of vertigo.
I’m acrophobic and do not know how I got here.
Just over an hour to go and I move into a hot air balloon. Up, up, away.
At first it was a rush then the rains came accompanied by thunder.
It’s an hour to midnight and I’m going to die unless Jesus calms the storm.
I close my eyes and count to 10. 1…2…3. Poof.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, no I’m superman!
Flying into the skies, resting on cloud 9.
It’s the last hour of the year and when the bell tolls a new year is going to be upon us.
It’s the last hour of the year and I’m as high as a kite rising above the Eiffel Tower.
Everyone else is making resolutions and what nots.
I’ve got the booze in my hand, the blunt in my mouth.
Taking a lesson in osmosis and diffusion.
I’m high on both.
Flying to heaven and lying in hell while sleeping in the backseat of a Toyota parked outside the church.
Everything in life is subject to change.
Change is inevitable, change must happen.
Seasons change, people grow, time waits for none, the earth is constantly moving.
But what happens when we can’t keep up?
When we are too far behind and don’t know where we are headed?
What happens when you become a constant in the variable?
It’s the start of a new year.
A time for resolutions and new behaviors.
A time to let go of past failures and embrace future success.
A time of hope. A time of new ideas. A fresh start.
But to me it’s just an illusion.
A feeling which does not last.
In reality a time of melancholy.
The new year puts me in a pensive mood.
It signifies time spent, progress not made and a time for sober reflections.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much thankful for my life and all the added bonuses that accompany being me.
We are alive not because we’re better off but because our work here is incomplete.
So when the time comes when I’ve got to go, I hope I was worth it.
I hope I lived a full life and realized my true potential.
I hope it wasn’t time wasted. I hope I was happy.
That is my daily prayer.
And January is when I awake from hibernation.
When I look within rather than around.
When I feel I’m nowhere near where I ought to be.
Maybe January is the time I die.
A time where my life flashes before my eyes.
A time I vow to change for the better then go back to sleep in the comfort zone 2hours later.
A time of hope.
A time of hope?
I cannot decide on what to do.
It’s been long since we last saw each other.
It’s been 4months and 9days.
I’ve moved on. Some.
But sometimes the regret hits me like a fist of Ali in his prime.
I’ve recovered. Some.
But now I’ve arrived in the realm of nostalgia. Ultra.
Memories buffeting like a blizzard so I take novocaine to numb the pain.
But still shiver at the thought of reconnection
While my phone quivers from a notification notifying me of a contact once deleted.
‘Father help me for I know not what to do.’
I know feelings have been extinguished
But I know feelings are highly flammable.
I know she awaits my call
But I know she doesn’t think of me.
I know I should call
But I know my voice will betray
I know sending a birthday text is a poor excuse for trying to reach out.
I know I’m ready.
I know I’m not but hit ‘send’ all the same.
22minutes of hell and my phone awakens.
The heavy words stand out in clear contrast against the light background.
Synopsis of fraud
Leading the parade, going with the wind.
Celebrating our independence from independence to dependence.
I cannot live without you, she neither
You need me to exist, him too.
Collectivism the root of all evil.
Parasites leeching of each other.
A pack of wolves minus the alpha.
A beta life consisting of no alphas, but gammas.
So far it’s positive.
The selfless sacrificial lambs, victims of Shang Tsung.
Make believe Christians.
Denying self, carrying the cross of others……
UNSTRUCTURED. VAGUE. GROTESQUE. PITCH BLACK. NOTHING.
Darkness bowed to light, light-years ago.
And there was light.
God created the world and everything in it.
Put man in control of all that is.
Then he came as a snake in the grass, fallen from grace to grass.
On the sly, creating a slithery path to be followed.
She followed and convinced him to do same.
The first followers.
Actors keep changing but the script remains untouched.
Our deepest fear is that we are scared of reaching out for that
Which has been locked in the furthest parts of our souls.
Your deepest fear isn’t that you are inadequate. Your deepest fear is truth.
What you choose without the slightest care of what they might think of you.
Our deepest fear is creation.
Your deepest fear is reason.
My deepest fear is ego.
Tweet as a bird, no retweets
Twitter game weak as a tweet, 0 followers.
I twitch at the twit of your tweets.
Twittering and giggling, googling for things to tweet.
Sharing inside stories, tweezing personal feelings with tweezers for the sake of twitter.
I twitter and tweet, music from a tweeter, addicted to twitter.
How long between birth and death?
Between love and hate?
How long between commitments and the break ups?
I’m not good at byes, you might see me cry.
We’ve grown attached like twins. Siamese.
Emotions all over the place. Universal? Continental? National?
Hormones of a junkie in need of a sniff. Cocaine.
The length of time we have left is too short for me to do everything right.
Our perimeter is shrinking by the minute.
The center cannot hold. Things might fall apart.
Insecurities crippling my thoughts.
My brain is paralyzed with fear.
Fear of getting erased from your memory.
Insert here the new guy: _________
Now my mind has been diagnosed with cancer.
I shave my head bald and smoke on them medicals and try to think straight in a supine position.
Treatment getting intense.
Your replies getting a bit delayed.
I might be trying too hard so I lift my foot off the pedal.
Hoping to not get overtaken.
I think we need space. This is all so lonesome.
I find myself constantly staring into space.
Longer days, longer nights. September. My personal equinox.
Let me be your knight in shiny armor. With the movements of a knight trying to spell out his feelings.
But I’m only allowed to move in L’s.
Love or lust regardless what’s the difference?
I can’t stand myself, this is getting lame so I clip my legs and trip hoping to fall in love. Love is lost.
Cancer has spread through the whole body.
I do not have long left.
Pick up the phone don’t leave me alone in this cruel, cruel world.
In all things give thanks to God.
At all times praise His name.
For it is by His grace that I am here writing this and you are there reading it.
Dear reader, I can’t quite describe the feeling that fills me when I think of God.
Words can’t describe it because words won’t do it justice.
I cannot say I’m a changed man, but I’ve fully acknowledged Jesus as my main man.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and God gives to those who ask.
Troubles will come but in him I’m not troubled.
2015 had it’s moments of ups and downs.
2015 has been a year of growth in all aspects of my life.
I thank God for everyone in my life.
I thank all the people in my life.
To the old. I thank you for still being there.
To the new. I thank you for accepting me.
I pray that God continues to be the light that shines and the shepherd that leads us towards the kingdom.
Help us to be who you meant for us to be and may your word never leave us.
Continue to inspire us each day of our lives with your works. Amen.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR.